Thank You!!!

I didn't know, what I was going to write about today. Life has seemed, a little too much, as of late. I've been sick, off and on, since last March. More sick, than not. I hear, from lots of people, that it's pretty normal. As in, after you stop being the "caregiver," everything attacks. Because you are so exhausted and run down. I believe the term I keep hearing is, "Caregiver Burnout."

But I've tried to fight it. Time and time, again. I'm not that kind of person, that crawls up, and gives up. I'm more, "let me keep fighting." But sometimes, you get knocked down hard. And just need a break. I found myself, in the ER, last Saturday. For the first time, in forever! My body, screaming in pain. My heart literally, felt like someone was stabbing it. And I kept praying. Talking to my Dad, in my head. Just hoping, everything was OK.

I'm still not 100%. And I feel like I need to go see a specialist, or something. Because something is not right. I'm having more side effects, from the shots I was given. And I'm ready to feel human again. To be the person, that is doing for others. Not just "trying to make it, to the end of the day." But I want to share that with you. That not every single day, is a good day.

I think we want people to see that. That we are doing good. That life it OK. And we're moving forward. But sometimes, it's not. And we're not moving forward. And sometimes, we just need some help. Yes, I just said that. Sometimes, I NEED SOME HELP.

It's been a challenging year. I still can't wrap my brain around, the fact that it's been a year. So many things have happened in that year. So much time has passed. But it still doesn't FEEL like a year. A year without my Dad. A year without carrying all of the weight, stress, and responsibilities...that came with taking care of him. A year, without my best buddy. His love. And his companionship.

It's when I read posts like this, that take me back. When reality slaps me, in the face. When I realize, we've made it this far. We will MAKE IT! Because we have God on our side. Rory is such an inspiration, to me. On how to live life. To have the grace, that is necessary, to move forward. And how to have love in my heart, when I feel nothing inside.

After I read this post, it really got me thinking. About how grateful, and thankful, I am. To so many people. You see, I usually start writing my blog posts, the afternoon before I post them. And finish them up, in the morning. Early. When I have a clear mind. And can read, through what I've written. It gives me, a sense of calm and relief, to read through my blog post...early in the morning. Without any distractions. Just me and my words.

Then I go through my e-mails. And that usually leaves me, about an hour. To cry it out. I read every single e-mail. And they make my heart swell! With the love and prayers, that I've received. From all the corners of the internet. To hear YOUR stories. To know, that in some small way, I've made a difference, in YOUR LIVES!

It really does, make my day. I feel, like I can continue, this journey. That no matter what I'm going through, life is still moving forward. And I can somehow, inspire the next person. I can make a difference, in someone else's life. That my words, somehow make someone else's journey, just a little easier. It has touched me, in ways, that I truly, can't bring into words.

You never really understand, how during your lifetime, you spread tiny parts of your heart...all around. How you give people, little pieces of your heart. And then one day, you look up, and you see them. All those pieces. It's almost magical. When you get that "aha moment." When your eyes are opened up, for the very first time. And how you gave just a little, and got so much more, back in return.

I think about that now. Maybe it's being on "this side" of the journey. Maybe it's the growing I've done, in the last year. Maybe it's the struggles, I've walked through. But I see it now. How I've given pieces of myself, to so many. And in return, when I've needed it the very most, I've gotten them back 100 times over!

And I'm so grateful, to all the people that have touched my life. Especially, in the last year. When I've struggled the most. And NEEDED you the most. You have been here for me. The perfect strangers...you have prayed, loved, and thought about me. And my family. The people that drop off, little things. Like a meal, a card, a little something that was my Daddy's.

The people that have embraced us. That were perfect strangers. But who have seen my Mom and I, crying for my Daddy. The caring friends, we've met at the cemetery. The AMAZING people at church. The kind souls, that have paid for a meal, when we have gone out. Our family, that has completely embraced us. Friends who have never left our side.

Those people, that understand, when the world is too heavy. For us to bear. And realize, when we just shut ourselves in. I thank you! From the bottom of my heart. Because sometimes, you just don't know, how to ask for help. But you've had the patience. And have stood by our sides. Sometimes, having to carry us, along this journey.

And I realize, people just want to help. In any way, that they can. They want to help. Because at some point, we've been there for them. They respect us. They love us. And want in some way, to make our lives better. People want to feel your hurt and pain, and they want to share it. To make it less of a burden, for you. They want to take some of that hurt and pain, away from you. To help you, make these tough days, more bearable.

It's in these dark days, that I see the good in humanity. Maybe we've lost our Superman. And part of our family. But the kindness and good, that we've gotten from so many others...has carried us so far! It has given my Mom and I, the strength, when we've needed it most. When we've needed a shoulder to cry on, perfect strangers have been there for us.

I've got to say this. From the AMAZING contractors, and honestly friends, that helped us make it...to the end of last school year. THANK YOU!!! You will never understand, how much, that meant to my Mom and I. To the love and respect, that our business associates showed us, I can't say Thank You enough! You made those dark days, days that we could get through. With our heads held high.

To our friends, Thank You for the grace and love, you have shown us. For lifting us up, on the toughest of days. For being our strength. And our salvation. For the understanding you have given us, when we can't seem to leave our home. Or meet you, for breakfast. Or answer a phone call.

To our family, the ones who have stood by our sides, THANK YOU!!! In ways, that I'll never understand, we've been shown...who really loves and cares about us. I don't mean this, in a mean or hateful way. But in way, that comes from my heart. With love, kindness, and respect. My eyes have been opened up, to know what "real family" is. The people that will come, and pick you up off the ground, and love you just the same. The people, that silently pray for you, every single day. And who understand, that your world has just been shattered. And you're just looking for any way, to move forward. The family, that loves you, just because you are...you. You don't feel like, you have to put on an act. You can just be you. And they love you, for it all! The good, and the bad.

I think about all the blessings, that my Mom and I have received. It's the little things, that get us through the day. And turn our days, into weeks...then into months. And without us realizing it, we made it to a year. It's the little things. The kindness, from our Church Family. Who always, stop and give us a hug, or handshake. Wish us, a good week. Sing to us. Make us smile, when our hearts are hurting, the most. It's the kind people, we both work for. That have made this transition, a little easier. With their kindness, and love. The respect, that they continue to show us both. And the friendship, that will last a lifetime!

It's the dozens of people, who have reached out to us. That have made our world, a little easier, to live in. The kindness, in your words. And in your eyes. The people, that continue to welcome us. Who reach out, with pictures of my Dad. Or stories, that I've never heard. It's the neighbors, who continue to reach out to us. To make sure, we're OK. That our needs are being met. And that we are safe.

Our AMAZING medical team. I just can't say, enough Thank Yous! Truly I can't. For the love, respect, and kindness you have shown us. And continue to show us. How you continue to reach out, to my Mom and I. How you are our biggest cheerleaders! And realize, that my Dad's death, didn't mean that our journey ended. Thank You!!!

Truly, I'm touched, when people at the grocery store, gas station, or a restaurant...reach out to us. To all the AMAZING people, who have been behind the Love For Blue project, from the very beginning! All the amazing people, that continue to help us, grow our foundation. Those people, who have donated to us, made purchases, or have visited us at our various functions...THANK YOU!!!

From the bottom of my heart, I mean it! Thank You!!! For all the kind thoughts, e-mails, prayers...it has made this very tough journey, bearable. At times, you think you are never going to make it. Then someone reaches out. Through an e-mail, a meal, or other kind gesture...and you realize, life isn't so bad.

I know, we are blessed. But God has opened my eyes, my heart, and my soul...to so many kind people. In the darkest of days, we have so many loving people...that hold us up. I could spend my lifetime, trying to thank all of you. Trying to repay you in some way. Trying to even out, the table. But I could never do it. Because the love has poured in. In ways, I could never have imagined.

And I want you all to know, that is what our foundation, and this blog are about. Reaching the next person. Making life, a little easier, for someone else. My family has been so blessed! And we want to pass that forward. In some small way, we want you to know, you matter too. And we're thinking about you. Thank You!!! And for that person, that just isn't sure, I'm thinking about you too. I'm trying to hold you up. You matter. Your journey matters. And there are people, on your side too! ❤❤❤

Hey There Monkey!

My Dad and I, had this hilarious connection to monkeys. When I was born, I was a pretty hairy baby. And my Dad called me, his little monkey. I remember my Dad, liking to buy me, stuffed monkeys. All the time! As I'd grow out of my dresses, he'd put them on my monkeys. :)

When I got older, I'd call my Dad, "Daddy Monkey." When this series of commercials came out, I told my Dad, it reminded me of him. I was away at college. And he laughed. Every single time I'd see the commercial, I'd laugh. And when I'd move back home, to take care of my Dad, and we saw these commercials...I'd tell him, that he was on TV!

When my Dad went to the hospital in December 2010, I'd buy him a stuffed monkey. From the hospital's Gift Shop. Every single time, after that, when we were in the hospital...I'd buy my Dad a stuffed monkey. We got a nice little collection. In just a short time. And my Dad LOVED them!

During the last few weeks of his life, my Dad was in bed a lot! He'd look out his bedroom window. And I'd attempt, to make my parents' bedroom, a little more fun, for my Daddy. I'd go out and buy some of these solar toys. And I'd put them in the window. For a few years, I've been buying them for my grandma. And she enjoys them so much! My Dad thought, they were pretty fun too!

For hours he'd watch them dance around. He'd tell me, to never forget to take him some, to his grave. And I still find myself, looking for new characters. Every store I go to, I look for them. If you would like to donate some, for our fundraiser, I'd gladly except them!

I'd also put up my Dad's Birthday cards, flowers, and his collection of monkeys. He'd tell me, that he really enjoyed those monkeys. That every single time, he saw a monkey, he smiled. And he thought of me. And our fun relationship. When I see monkeys, I think of my Daddy too!

There's just something about them. The silliness behind them, remind me, of how silly my Daddy could be too! I'm hoping to sell some monkey items, at our fundraiser, in April. And I'm looking for donations. Here are a couple of things, that I found. But we're open to anything, and everything!

I see these bracelets everywhere! In fact, my Dad is the one, that bought me my first one. We were at Walgreen's one day. Picking up his prescriptions. And he saw them. He threw a couple in our basket. Because I'm ALWAYS wearing bracelets! And he liked them. The expression on the monkey's face, makes me think of my Dad's silly smile.

I'd LOVE to sell these. But I don't know where you can buy them. I've contacted the company. And hope to hear from them soon. Because online, they start at $4 a bracelet! And I haven't been able to find these monkey bracelets, at the store anymore. I just find the other animals.

 

I think these little cups are cute. They are $13.48, per dozen. So cute! I LOVE their silly grins. Honestly, these cups, totally made my morning!

 

These girly monkey cups, are $15.50 a dozen. I think they are adorable! The little girl monkeys, make me want to have a birthday party. For myself. And I'm not really into that sort of thing. But these cups are so cute!

 

These cute and colorful monkeys, are $17.99 a dozen. And I think they'd be fun, to add to our sale. My Dad LOVED things like this! In fact, I bought him 3 hanging monkeys, in December 2014. When we were hospitalized over the holidays. For weeks, they hung in our hospital room!

 

 

These cuties, made me laugh, when I saw them. They are $9.73, for 100. And are about an inch tall. But seriously, they are cute! The one that is laying down, with it's hands behind it's ears, reminds me of my Daddy. That's the way he liked to lay in bed. In the hospital, at home, wherever!

 

So there you go. I'm looking for some sponsors. To add to the items, that we are going to sell. Monkeys, remind me of my Daddy. Just like school buses do. Model cars, from Danbury Mint. Driving caps, still bring tears to my eyes. Mini tools, were his favorite! Coin collections, make me smile. And double chocolate donuts, make my heart sing. :) Those were all favorites of my Daddy.

 

And we want the Love for Blue Fundraiser, to represent my Daddy. We want to have things, that remind us, of him. That bring a smile to our faces. And to the people that will be there. If you are interested, in sponsoring us, please leave me a comment here, send me an e-mail (LoveForBlue2015@aol.com), or contact me on Facebook.

 

This is our BIG fundraiser, for the year. And we want to raise, as much money, as possible. To be able, to continue supporting those people, touched by cancer. To help fund, research. And to continue, supporting our community. Our goal is, to grow our scholarship fund. To double it, for next year. Thank You, for continuing to read our blog! And have a very Happy Wednesday! ❤❤❤

Celebrate

Happy Easter everyone! I know, it can be tough, to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Believe me. Whether you are grieving, or still walking that tough journey. Especially, if you are in the hospital. We had to, many times. And honestly, it's better to celebrate, than to pretend, it's not happening.

I say this, from experience. The first time my Dad was hospitalized, in December 2010, we tried to pretend...it wasn't Christmas. My Dad was hospitalized 2 days, before Christmas. We asked people, to not tell him, about the holiday. It would only upset him. Unfortunately, on Christmas morning, our doctor came into the room. All happy. And singing Christmas carols.

We even got a Christmas tree. From the hospital. Yes, my Dad was upset. Angry really, that he was in the hospital for Christmas. And then New Year's. But it was more, he was upset for my Mom and I. Because he wanted us to have a good holiday.

We honestly didn't care. As long, as my Dad was OK. And it was easier, once he knew, to explain the HUGE platters of food and cookies...that our friends and family were bringing us. So celebrate. Don't feel bad about it. Celebrate the best way you can. And never apologize for it!



I also say this, because you want to make memories. Good memories. With your loved ones. You're not sure, how many of these special days, you are going to get. So make the most of them. Enjoy your special days!

When my Dad was hospitalized again, right before Christmas 2014, I packed up some Christmas decorations. And a little string of lights. We decorated my Dad's hospital room. And when he was moved to the oncology unit, we took our decorations.

Our family happened to ring in 2015, in the hospital. And I again, went all out. Our nurses, also helped me. But I went and bought silly hats, glasses, and decorations. We watched movies. And had snacks. It was about making memories.

And I'll never regret that. It was the ONLY time, my parents and I, had stayed up together. For a New Year. And we thoroughly, enjoyed ourselves. We made lots of memories. Took lots of pictures. And really, had the best time!

We also celebrated my Dad's birthday, in the hospital. And I really do mean, CELEBRATED! On his birthday, I decorated our hospital room. The staff sang to him. A group of nurses, then a group from the oncology unit, and finally the kitchen staff. They made him a fun cake, and milkshake.

And days later, we had a "Surprise Birthday" party, in the waiting room. Something, I'll never regret! EVER! Because we celebrated my Dad. And his birthday. It was his last on earth. And had we not done it at the hospital, we would have never done it again. We would have missed out on his smile. And all those memories!

Happy Easter! I hope, in some small way, you are able to celebrate. Pick up a pack of Peeps, and take them to your loved one. If you are in the hospital, pick up a piece of pie. And share it. If you are on the "other side," like us...consider dropping off a plate of goodies. Just go to your local hospital. If you have "traveled the road," you know all about that waiting room...or family room. Leave a little plate of goodies. Something you might have enjoyed, when you were there. We took some cupcakes, candy, and cookies.

But don't forget to celebrate! And I don't just mean today. Celebrate the birthdays, the anniversaries, and the holidays. Don't let the cancer, steal that from you. It takes enough. Celebrate. And make memories. You will cherish them, for years to come! ❤❤❤

Supplies And Decorations

Have you clicked on our Sponsors Welcome Tab? I generally list, things that we could use. Items that we need. But today, I'm going to talk a little more about that. About the basic supplies, we need for our 2nd Annual Love for Blue Fundraiser. We are officially, a month away, from the big day!

We need paper goods. Like napkins, plates, bowls, plastic ware, and coffee cups. We need it all! Decorations would help too!

I found these plastic blue plates. 192 plates, for $24. A pretty good deal. A little more sturdy, than your average plates.

Same can be said for these bowls. You can get 240 plastic blue bowls, for $24. We could use these for stew, Frito pie, and fruit.

480 blue napkins, for $24. You ALWAYS need napkins. We could probably use a bunch of these guys!

We also used a number of blue tablecloths, last year. I think I bought 20, and used them all! These tablecloths are $48, for 48. We actually use them all year long! I put them on the tables, when we are selling at Craft Fairs. Adds to the blue, and grabs people's attention.

I found the blue utensils too. You get 16 sets, for $1. That's 16 forks, knives, and spoons. A pretty good deal.

Then it would be nice, to get some help with the decorations. We used balloons, last year. To line the trail. And to place at the entrance of the park. We could definitely use some help here. I think I bought 30-40 balloons, last year. They are $20, for 20. And with these balloons, you don't have to pay, to have them filled.

And we used some of these smaller balloons, as well. To line the trail. And to sell. These were great! They are $24, for 24 balloons.

We also used some streamers. To decorate the sitting areas, around the trail. And to decorate the area, where we sold our items. You can get 2 rolls, for $1.

These weights were also very helpful. I used them on the tables. And to hold down some of the balloons. They are $24, for 24 weights.

We could use a ton of these bags! To put our packets together. For people participating in the 5K Run/Walk. And for the Car Show. Even for our sale. You get 72 bags, for $36.

These larger bags, would also be helpful for our sale. You get 36 bags, for $36. These would be great when we sell blankets, larger dolls, or have bigger orders.

These smaller bags, would be really helpful. Many times, we sell lots of little items. You get 108 bags, for $36.

We'd also like to get a couple of these banners. They are $15 each. And potentially, we'd like to have 1 or 2 banners, made for our event. With my Dad's picture, and "Love for Blue," printed on them. Something we can use for years. And that we are able to use, at Craft Fairs, as well as our big fundraisers.

There are other costs too. Like coffee cups. Printing our flyers. Postage. Printing signs for the Car Show. Getting our permits. Lots of permits. If you would like to help, with any of these things, please let me know. You can leave me a message here, send me an e-mail (LoveForBlue2015@aol.com,) or reach me on Facebook. Thanks for all your support! ❤❤❤

Always Keep A Bag Packed

In the Fall of 2014, I learned a lesson. Fast! My Dad would begin, to have a lot of complications. And we'd be, in and out of the hospital, a lot! Most of the time, without any notice. Sometimes, we'd be going somewhere, and I'd have to call an ambulance. Sometimes, I'd drive my Dad to the ER. Sometimes, we'd call from home.

But it would all happen fast. And most of the trips, were the same. Long waits in the ER. Freezing. To be admitted, to the hospital. For at least a week. Most of the time, longer. And often times, I wasn't prepared. In the beginning. As the ambulance would drive away. I'd find a big bag. Throw in a blanket, sweatshirt, my tablet, some crochet, and maybe a snack.

As our unscheduled trips, would become more regular, I'd get organized. I finally realized, I needed to be ready, for anything. And everything! First, I'd find a nice sized bag. That would only be used, for the hospital.

 

I bought a bag, similar to this one. At Wal-Mart. For about $20. It would stay packed, from September 2014-March 2016. Yes, it still sits in the closet. I know! I should unpack it.

Inside, I'd put a bag of toiletries for my Dad. And one for me. For my Dad, I'd include his mouth rinse, his extra electric shaver, lotion, chapstick, his hair brush, a couple of extra ostomy bags, and rings.

In my bag, I'd have deodorant, lotion, toothbrush, toothpaste, some body spray, soap, my moisturizer, a razor, a brush, and hair elastics. The hospital, also supplied us, with a lot. Like towels, washcloths, soap, lotion, shampoo, mouthwash, and toothbrushes. And whatever else we needed. But sometimes, it's nice, to have the things that you are used to.

I'd make sure to pack some clothes too. For both my Dad and I. I'd pack my Dad, some t-shirts, a sweatshirt, some socks, his gloves, and a hat. I'd also pack some slippers for him. I would have a change of his clothes, in our car too. I couldn't take those down, until we were getting discharged. Because he would want to put them on. And try to go home.

For myself, I'd pack slippers, lots of socks, plenty of underwear, a few pairs of PJs, a couple of comfy shirts, some sweatpants, and tennis shoes. I'd have a couple of sweatshirts too! It was always cold, in the hospital. So all of my clothes, were for comfort and warmth. I didn't care, what I wore, while we were in the hospital.

 

I ALWAYS had, at least 2 blankets in my bag. One for each of us. And 2 pillows, in our car. The ER, was known, for being ice cold. And never having pillows. In the oncology ward, I didn't worry much about this. But my Dad, would often times, request his blankets from home. We'd bring those too.

I crochet. A lot! So I ALWAYS made sure, I had some sort of project, in my bag. Something, that I could pick up, and put down. Something that didn't take too much thought. Most of the time it was a small blanket. Or just a small project in general. But I'd have some yarn, and a crochet hook.

I'd also have a notebook, some pens, and usually a journal. I needed to be able to write things down. So this became essential for me!

I also packed a couple of new magazines. And at least one book. My Bible was in there too. The hospital we were at, had volunteers, that would deliver reading material to you. But it was nice, to have something, I had previously picked out. Something I was looking forward to reading. Many times, in the ER, my Dad was asleep. Usually due to a seizure. Or something else. And the room would be dark, and quiet. So I'd include a book light too. I was also lucky, to get a daily newspaper, from the hospital. They'd deliver it, with breakfast. For me, reading material was a must!

 

I also would include a couple of DVDs. In the oncology unit, they had DVD players, in every room. Many of these patients, spend a lengthy time, in the hospital. And my Dad liked to watch movies. So when I'd go to Wal-Mart, I'd always check out the $5 bin. And stick a couple in our bag. During our stay, in December 2014-January 2015, DVDs were a fun thing for us. My Dad, my Mom, and I, would spend our evenings, watching a new movie together.

 

I was lucky enough, to have 2 tablets, at the time. And I ALWAYS had one in my bag. Waiting for me. This was another way, I'd spend sleepless nights. Catching up on my favorite blogs, writing e-mails, blogging, updating family and friends on Facebook, and just hanging out online.

 

During most of our stays at the hospital, when my Dad was feeling better, we'd watch Youtube videos. Together. Laughing. Reminiscing about WWE wrestling. My Dad's favorite! I'd show him our blog. Later when we'd begun the Love for Blue Foundation, I'd show him this blog. Our T-shirt sales. My Etsy shop. It was nice to have.

 

Again, the hospital had a computer, for the oncology patients to use. In the Family Room. But it was nice, to get to just hangout, in our room. And watch silly videos.

 



 

 I also packed a variety of chargers. For our cell phones, tablet, my Dad's electric shaver, my laptop, our radio. Things I thought we'd need.

 

And I ALWAYS had snacks! Not that we really needed them. The staff at our hospital was AMAZING! And very quickly, they got to know, I was the one that stayed. All the time. And they would all, bring me snacks. The kitchen, would send me something. The different staff members, would bring me a bag of chips, a candy bar, some fruit. But it was nice to have some snacks, that I liked too.

 

These items, were ALWAYS in my bag! And it was, in an easy place, to get to. Which is important. it was packed, and ready to go. When we would get home, I'd refill my bag, and do laundry. This was also important. Many times, we were only home, for a week. My bag, always had to be ready to go!

 

This isn't everything, we'd take with us. Like I said, most of our hospital stays, were 7-10 days long. During the holidays, we were there, for over a month! After my Dad would be admitted, which usually happened in the afternoon, my Mom would get off of work. We'd probably been there since 7AM. My Mom would stay with my Dad, and I'd run home.

 

There, I'd quickly shower, and pick up, whatever else we needed. Usually, my Dad's radio, my laptop, a Saint that my Dad liked to have around, more blankets, little decorations for his room. We tried to make it a positive experience. But being prepared, was the key to everything. It made chaotic times, more manageable. Less stressful. And me, more available, to take care of my Dad. And his needs. ❤❤❤

Treating the Elderly

Fighting and treating colon cancer, any cancer really, is expensive. For us, like everyone else, there was a financial toll. My Dad had amazing insurance. But it didn't mean, that we were worry free. Medications, treatments, doctors' appointments, tests, and hospitalizations...they add up quickly! But when you are trying to save someone's life, those costs don't matter. You'd probably walk to the end of the earth, and back. I know I would!

When I came across this article last week, it didn't surprise me. When we first began, the battle, our oncologist warned us. About the costs, the side effects, and my Dad's projected life expectancy. Actually, in so many words, he encouraged us to go home, and enjoy my Dad...and his life, while we still could.

You see, my Dad was 81 years old. In relatively poor health. And all these treatments, might give my Dad, an additional year. MIGHT! My Dad had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. He also had severe anemia, due to the cancer. He had diabetes, and epilepsy. And the cancer had spread into his liver. There was only one doctor, that would even consider surgery on his liver. My Dad was high risk. And his lifelong battle, with epilepsy, didn't help.

In fact, for his surgery, to remove most of his intestines and to place his stoma...we hit a road block. No anesthesiologists, wanted to treat him. Our surgeon had to practically jump through hoops, that were on fire. To get someone, to join him in the operating room. Because my Dad had, had a serious of seizures. After a million tests and scans...and some medical history, the doctors felt like the cancer was contributing to the seizures. Because my Dad had previously been seizure free, for over 3 years. So he was cleared for surgery.

But my Dad wanted to live. And if the chemo and radiation, would give him an extra day, he'd try it too. He'd try anything. And everything. My Dad didn't have the "typical" symptoms and side effects. But you could tell, that all the treatments, were taking a toll. He struggled a lot. With energy. With pneumonia. And with seizures.

We'd end up on Palliative Care. To help keep a better eye, on my Dad's health. Our doctor would personally call up our insurance company, many times, to argue about care. He'd give my Dad the options. My Dad would ALWAYS choose, to do treatments. And our doctor, would fight to get the treatments approved.

There were also many "supportive medications," that my Dad took. To keep his quality of health, somewhat better. These medications, often times, had high costs attached to them. But my Dad was a fighter. And he was trying to live.

Looking back, I don't know if it was the best decision. But it was my Dad's decision. My Mom and I would listen to the doctors, and my Dad would make the decisions. We were his support system. I can't say, that if I were in his place, that I would have made those same decisions. But we were all educated on the issues. And supported my Dad's decisions.

From the time that we first met our oncologist, until my Dad's passing, it was around 9 months. At our initial appointment, we were told, without treatment, my Dad would have just about a year of life. With treatment, it could extend his life, by possibly 6 months to a year.

We were also told about side effects. And quality of life. And what it would take, to seek treatments. All of it, would be true. My Dad would spend much, of those 9 months, in the hospital. I can't tell you, that life would have been better, had he not received treatments. I don't know if he would have lived longer. Or if this was just God's plan, all along.

What I do know, is that Palliative Care, was our saving grace. That our doctors were very supportive, of my Dad's decisions. Even if they didn't always agree, with him. Our oncologist, really became the one person, that would fight anyone...for the treatment my Dad wanted.

With the elderly, like with all of us, they don't want to give up. They want to live. Any option that is available, they want to try. No matter the side effects. But there has to be a better way, to treat the elderly. There has to be a way, to give them a fighting chance. That not only extends their lives. But improves their quality of life. More than anything, you need to remember, it's their life. They have the right, to fight for it.

Our elderly, should be respected. And their wishes, should be honored. We shouldn't think any differently, because of their age. Medications, should be developed, to improve their lives. And the quality of their lives. We need to remember, they are a particularly weak part of our population. Susceptible to all sorts of things. And really, at the end of the day, they want to live as long as possible.

Big businesses, like insurance companies, hospitals, and pharmaceutical companies, don't think about these things. These are very important things. The things, that really determine a person's real quality of life. You are your loved ones biggest supporter. Their caregiver. And probably, the only person in their corner, really fighting for them. Think about it. Don't just think about costs. But also about their quality of life. What type of care is available. And how your loved one, will live out, their last few days. ❤❤❤

A Heartbreaking Year

Today marks, one year, since we said goodbye to my Daddy. It's a tough day. Images of that day, flash through my head. I could give you, the play by play, of every detail. How I laid with my Dad, in bed, early in the morning. How he didn't want to be alone, all day long. How he ate, an entire container, of applesauce. How we just talked. And held hands.

My Dad was able to thank our nurse, Robin. It was his way, of saying goodbye. He appreciated everything she had done for him. It was the only goodbye, he said that day. My Dad had a visit, from his favorite little buddy, Jaelyn. And I saw the pain in his eyes, when he looked at her. Knowing, it was the last time. She was not afraid that day. Like she had been, over the last few days. They wanted to hug. They needed it. And it was heartbreaking.

I could tell you, about the look in his eyes. How he knew, he was going. And he didn't want people to know. How he kissed my Mom, when she left for work. And didn't really want her to go. But he also didn't want her, to see what was going to happen next. He loved my Mom so much, he didn't want her, to have to see him suffer.

I could tell you, about all of it. How we read the bible. And then, he got sick. How I beat the ambulance, by over a half an hour. To the hospital. And I'd later find out, they had pulled onto a side street, to try and revive my Daddy. They respected us both, so much, they didn't want me to see. They tried everything they could, to keep my Daddy alive.

The feeling of helplessness, I felt. The heartbreak. As I sat in the waiting room, alone. Making the plea, to everyone on Facebook, to just pray. Having to send my Mom, the message. That this time, was urgent. And having to walk into that ER room, and know, he was leaving me. That I would spend, the rest of my life, without my rock. My Daddy, was not going to see me get married. Or know my babies. There would be no more long talks, and silly smiles.

The feeling of emptiness, when my Mom would walk in the door. And see my Dad. How he couldn't breathe. The gurgling he was making. The panic in his eyes. And the heartbreak, every single time, he'd look at us. He didn't want to leave us. He loved us, so very much.

This time, the ER was a scary place. My Dad struggling, to breathe. The nurses running in and out of our room. Panicked. Trying to clear my Dad's airways. The alarms, going off, on all his machines. The panic, in every single person's eyes, that came into the room. Watching my Mom's heartbreak, through her eyes. Watching my Dad. I could see how scared he was, through his eyes.

It killed me, to know, I couldn't fix this. The doctors, could no longer help him. I knew this. And hearing the words, come out of the doctors mouths, didn't make it any easier. Watching my Mom, was beyond heartbreaking. For weeks, I'd known that this time was coming. For days, I could sense it. But my Mom, she was being hit, by all this news. All at once.

And that feeling, when his doctors came to talk to us. We all knew what was happening. There was nothing left to do. They had tried everything. It was my Dad's wishes. And they'd respected them. But there was nothing left to do. They could make him comfortable. But they assured us, he wouldn't make the night. It was time to call our family and friends.

I immediately walked out to the hall. Called our nurse, Robin. Who offered to come and stay with us, at our home. Then she realized the situation. And offered to help us, in any way that she could. I called and called, for our priest. I knew, my Dad wanted him there. I made calls to my aunts, uncles, friends, siblings, and so many family members. It was time, to say our goodbyes.

But when I think about today. And just how tough it is. How tough, this entire week has been, I remember my Dad's words. "Don't cry for me. Celebrate my life. Remember me, with a smile. Not tears. I'll always be with you. In your heart. I'll catch you when you fall. You'll never be alone. But don't cry. I hate to see you cry. Remember the happy times. All the love we have. All the time we shared. The memories we made. Make my life, have meaning. The struggles, were worth it. Remember me with a smile, not with tears."

And that's what I want to do. I want to remember his smile. The toothy grin, that I love so much! How even my Dad's eyes, would light up, when he smiled. That's what I want to remember. Not the details of that day. Not the heartbreak. And the helplessness, that I felt. Not watching, the doctors and nurses, for hours...trying to help him breathe.

If you want to read my Daddy's obituary, you can go here. But I wanted to share, more about the man, behind Love for Blue. I want to share some stories with you. About the man, I love. The man I call Daddy. And the man, who has shaped me, into the woman I am today.

My grandpa, past away in December 2013. And I was asked, to say his eulogy. Not something I ever imagined, that I would be doing. But I was close to my grandpa. And no one else, was able to get up there, and talk about him.

Little did I know, it would be something, that I'd need. To prepare me, for what would come, 15 months later. I'd be saying the eulogy, for my Dad's services. And I would need the experience, from my grandpa's services. I needed the experience, to be able, to do the most difficult thing in my life.

Actually, in October 2014, my Dad asked me to start writing it. Even he knew, no one else, would be able to get up there...and talk. To tell his story. To deliver his eulogy. And tell everyone, about his life. But I refused to do it. Pretty much like my grandma's request. Shortly after my grandpa's passing, she asked me to write hers. So she could read it. I just couldn't imagine it.

In reality, I tried. Many times, to write my Dad's eulogy. In fact, in the hospital, late at night...I'd pull my laptop out. No words would come. I could manage to make notes. About what I wanted to talk about. Notes about stories, I wanted to share. And notes, about songs I felt, told my Dad's story.

But that's as far, as I ever got. In December 2014, when my Dad was hospitalized, I remember opening those files again. Late at night. A day or so after Christmas. Trying to bring myself, to write something. Instead, I watched my parents sleep. In our hospital room, I just couldn't put those words, out there. It made our situation, too real.

Again, just a few weeks later, I'd attempt it. My Dad was hospitalized, over his birthday. And honestly, we just weren't sure if he'd make it. Actually, I'd already had a total breakdown, with one of his doctors. And the amazing Ms. Mary. My Mom and I, had already been summoned to a meeting with the Hospice Team. I knew what was coming. So did my Dad.

I think he knew, that I couldn't get the words out. Because it would make our situation, too real for me. We would talk about it, though.  He would tell me, what he wanted said. And told me, he'd leave the rest up to me. That was not quite, a month before his death. We would spend an entire night, laying in his hospital bed, crying. And talking.

And after my Dad's passing, it was the one thing, I struggled most with. I sat many times, in front of my laptop. Spent many nights, awake. Trying to get the words to come. Eventually, I let myself completely fall apart. One night, at 1AM. While my Mom slept. I sat in one of my Dad's school buses, and cried. And I wrote his eulogy.

Once the words started, they just couldn't stop. I was wrapped up, in one of my Daddy's old shirts. Sitting in his bus. Holding his rosary. And the words, just poured out of me. 10 pages later, I felt like his story was told. From his words. From his daughter's words. And through music.

On the Friday night, of my Dad's rosary, I needed some time, for myself. I excused myself, from the receiving line, 5 minutes before the services were to start. And I stood in the back of the church. Praying. Our favorite priest, would come back with me. And say a little prayer too. I felt like I was ready, to tell Blue's story.

After hearing Forever and Ever, Amen. I wasn't so sure. I wasn't sure, that these words I'd written, were right. As I walked up to the podium, I decided, to talk from the heart. I had some notes, tucked away, behind the eulogy. And that is what I'd would go off of. I'd speak from the heart, about my Daddy.

The next morning, I planned to read his eulogy, I had prepared. At my Dad's funeral. Before my Dad's services started on Saturday morning, I checked in with everyone. I'd talk to the musicians. And I'd make sure our pallbearers were OK. I'd make sure the boutonnieres, were handed out. I'd talk with the funeral director. And our priest.

Lastly, I'd get our items together, that we were placing with my Daddy. The pictures my Mom and I, had picked out. The prayers, saints, and cards I'd picked out. And the notes, my Mom and I, had written to my Dad. Our family would line up, and we'd say our last goodbyes.

I'd let the tears, silently, roll down my cheeks. Not able, to hold them back any longer. And I'd hold my Daddy's hands, for the very last time. The hands that had worked so hard, to provide for me. The hands that had disciplined me, for years. And the hands, that have loved me, for my entire lifetime. I'd kiss my Daddy's forehead. And I  knew, those prepared words, once again were not right. Again, I'd speak from the heart. Knowing what my Dad wanted to be shared. I'd let my heart and soul, do the talking.

And I'd tuck those words away. I wouldn't share them, that day. My family wouldn't hear, the words, I'd cried over. My friends wouldn't get to hear the stories. But I'd find the strength, to post them on my blog. The blog, that was telling our story, as it was happening. In real time. I'd share my stories, with these people, that were following our story.

A year ago, I promised myself, and my Daddy...that I'd share those words. One day. When the time felt right. When I could share, what had come to me, that night. Over the next week, I'll be posting my Daddy's eulogy. Here. I'll be telling his story. Sharing my memories. And hopefully, inspiring you. Please come back and read it.

I've not shared these words, with any of my family or friends. Not even my Mom. The time, just didn't feel right. But now it does. And along with all of you...my Mom, our family, and our friends will get to hear the eulogy I had prepared. Thank you, for all of your support, love, and prayers. It really has meant so much to me. And has carried me, on the days I've struggled most. Today, marks one year. It doesn't make my heart, hurt any less. But it is a day that should be celebrated. Like my Daddy's life, should be celebrated. It is, what he wanted.

This blog, is written, by a real person. By a woman, that has walked a tough journey, with her Daddy. We didn't win, against the beast, known as Colon Cancer. But I promised my Dad a lot, during his last few months. And one of those things was, to share our story. As tough as it may be. As many tears, as I shed, while writing some of these posts. I don't want our journey, and story, to go without sharing.

As much as I want to be your cheerleader, through your dark days. I also want to share, our toughest and darkest days. To let you know, you are not alone. There are others that came before you. There will be more, that come after you. And this journey, has changed me as a person. I want you to know, about the good days. And how chemo and radiation, gave us a little more time. And I want to share, this part of our story, as well. The part, that makes tears well up, in my eyes. That makes me feel like a 3 year old, little girl once more. I want you to know, we have tough days too.

Many people, going through this journey, will eventually find themselves here. At this part of the journey. It's why, we are trying so hard, to fundraise. We want to find a cure. To help another family, avoid this heartbreak. Until that time, I want people to know, death doesn't always have to be a horrible experience. It's not the end. And our loved ones, really have gone to a better place...with the Lord.

I'd give anything, to still have my Daddy. Really, I would! But I don't want his pain and suffering, to be minimized. To be forgotten. That every single thing he went through, wasn't in vain. That there was a purpose, behind his struggles. And more than anything, I want to help people realize, grief doesn't have to be a bad thing. Tears shouldn't be hidden. More than anything, our loved ones, deserve to be celebrated. And today, that is what I'll be doing. Celebrating the life my Daddy lived. The life he gave everything too. And lived, to it's fullest! I LOVE AND MISS YOU DADDY!

You see, my Daddy, was my life. He is the one person, that never judged me. That loved me, completely and unconditionally. And would have given anything, to see me succeed in life. What my Daddy didn't realize was, he was my role model, my hero, and my Superman. I learned more from his actions, than I will ever learn, from any other person. Or from any book.

From the time I was born, I was his morning glory. And he was my sunshine. I'd spend 31 years, taking care of my Daddy. After seizures. Through illness. And when the cancer, was finally found. He'd spend, his lifetime loving me.

During our time together, my Dad was my anchor. He encouraged every single thing I did. Music, education, cheerleading, crafts, and my life. He would push me, way outside my comfort zone. My Daddy would take me to school, every single day. And pick me up, in the afternoon. That time in his truck, was some of the most precious, we ever shared. It is where, we'd become best friends.

My Dad would ask about my day. He was completely interested, in what I was doing, learning, and who I was meeting...along the way. My Dad was encouraging. He was loving. And he was strict. My Dad would spend much more time, than most, in his truck. Taking me to violin lessons, music rehearsals, cheerleading practice, shopping for costumes, and just hanging out. My Dad, never really told me, that he loved me. But he showed me, in more ways, than I can count.

When I lost my Daddy, there was no goodbye. He never wanted to say those words. He told me that, the day he was diagnosed. It was that day, that I realized, how much I was losing. My Daddy, was much more than a father. He was my best friend. The person, I had leaned on, most in life. It was that night, that I realized how much, my Daddy had taught me.

So many people have asked me, "How did you do it? How did you take care of him, for so long? How are you doing it now?" And the only answer I can really give is, he loved me. And I loved him. My entire life, my Dad taught me, how important it is...to take care of "your people."

That is how I did it. I couldn't imagine, turning my back, on my best friend. The man, that worked until his hands bled. So he could provide me with a home, food, and my necessities. The same man, that worked from 3AM-9PM. So I could play the violin, go to Nationals, and have every single book...I ever wanted as a kid.

But it was more than that. It was the years, of cuddles. The strong hugs, when I'd had a bad day. The supportive talks, when I was struggling. It was afternoons, filled with laughter and smiles. It was the years and years, filled with my Dad, being my Dad. Bringing me a Happy Meal, to school, every single day...until I got to middle school. It was my Dad, spending countless hours, listening to my screeching violin. And encouraging it all. It was the countless games, that he found himself at. Because his daughter, was a cheerleader.

It was the 3AM calls. From a tired daughter, who was away at college. That he always started with singing, You Are My Sunshine. It was for the Daddy, who ALWAYS came to my rescue. For the man, who enjoyed spending countless hours, at McDonald's drinking coffee, eating nuggets, and talking.

I did it for the man, that gave his entire life, to me. Who made me feel, like the most important person, in the world. Just because I am Desiree. My Dad had a way of doing that. And we spent so much time together. Making so many memories. That I couldn't turn away.

And as much heartbreak, and heartache, as I've felt...I'd never do it any differently. I'd stand by his side, his decisions, and requests...a million times. My Dad, worked his entire life, for others. And this was the least, I could do for him. On the toughest of days, I'd remind myself, of the hours he spent working. In the dead of summer, his coveralls, covered in grease...providing for his family. Never too busy, to stop and answer my questions. To buy me an ice cream. Or to give me one, of those big bear hugs.

Since my Dad's death, I think back to my childhood. The years, when I'd sit, and just watch my Daddy. Bleeding hands, sweat pouring off his head, working so hard. And I know, without a doubt in my head, he loved me. The material goods that he provided, were nice. But that is not the important thing. It was the time, he spent with me. The memories we made. The stories we shared. The wisdom, he gave. And the security, that he always brought to my life. It was his kindness. And his love.

That's how, I got through the tough days. It was the love my Dad, had always shown me. The kindness. The tenderness. He shaped me, to be this woman. Never realizing, one day, I'd be taking care of him. That's the way life goes. We don't always understand it. And honestly, it can be difficult at times. But we make that full circle. And suddenly, everything falls into place.

This journey, has changed me, forever. But it didn't start, with a cancer diagnosis. It started, when I was born. With a man, that gave everything he had, to his family. He taught me, by example. He nurtured me. And gave me the strength, that I'd one day need.

Take the time, to love, those around you. To show them, how much, they really mean to you. Don't tell them with words. Show them with actions. Mold your children, into the people, you want to see in the world. Take the time, to make memories. And to be silly.

I never imagined, that at 31, I wouldn't have my Daddy. He would no longer, be at my side. But he is still teaching me, the lessons of the world. Showing me love. And making me a stronger woman. I don't have anyone, to take to McDonald's, for hours long talks. I don't have anyone to call at 3AM. Or anyone to watch wrestling with. No one to take to the Casino. Or to cut up apples for. I don't have anyone to talk about the world with. Or to help me, dream big dreams.

But I do have an angel. Watching over me. Every single day. Comforting me, when I need it most. I have a lifetime of memories. And a faith, that one day we will be reunited. I have an angel in Heaven, and I call him Daddy... ❤❤❤