For the Caregivers

I'm going to refer back to Sunday's post. I talk with lots of people. Going through cancer. Taking care of someone with cancer. Loving through cancer. The one thing, that everyone ALWAYS asks about...what would you do differently?

Honestly, I wouldn't change most, of what I went through. I gave it, everything I had. And then some. I tried, with every single part of my being, to take care of my Dad. To make him comfortable. And happy. But along the way, I lost me. I lost my sparkle. I lost my spirit.

That would be one thing, I'd tell my fellow caregivers. Don't lose yourself. Always be there. Present. In what you are doing. Love it. But also, love yourself. Take some time. Ask for some help. Allow yourself, a second to just be.

If I could do it all over again, that's what I'd change. It's not dramatic. I wouldn't save the world. I'd just take some time for me. To be honest, there was a time, when I just stopped. I stopped going to church. I don't know, if I just couldn't deal. If going to church, was too much. Or if it was just me, struggling with my situation. Tired. Or me, wondering why God was putting all of us, through all of this...

But I'd get up, and get my Dad ready. I'd help my Mom get him, to church. They'd go to mass, and to breakfast. For me...those 2 hours were my time to sleep. Honestly. It may sound so selfish. But at the time, it is what I needed. I'd sleep. Take a shower. And usually do laundry. It wasn't dramatic. Or exciting. Or life changing. It usually went very quickly.

If I walked this road again, I'd take more of that time. Not necessarily skipping church. Because I NEED that, in my life. And as things dramatically changed 15 months ago, I would just do without sleep. Because I NEEDED church.

Maybe if I could do it again...I'd ask someone for help. I'd ask a family member, or some friends to come over. Or meet my parents for dinner. Something, to allow me a few hours a week...to just be me. It would have helped my spirit. And probably my soul. No doubt, it would have helped my ability, to deal with everything that was happening at the time.

But as well as I know myself, you are probably the same. You probably don't give yourself, 5 minutes to just be. I know that feeling. You sleep, but you don't rest. You are ALWAYS listening, for your loved one. You eat...but you are pretty sure, you haven't enjoyed a meal...in a very long time! You can't remember the taste, of the last thing you ate. Because you eat so quickly. I know that feeling! I also remember, not even allowing myself to use the bathroom in peace. No matter if we were in the hospital, or at home. I'd run in and out. And I'm pretty sure, I stressed my bowels out too.

My one bit of advice, is just to slow down. Take time for you. It might seem very selfish. And whoever is judging you, probably isn't worth having in your life. Be kind to yourself. It's really, the only thing I can tell you.

I know, you want to control everything. You don't want to miss a second. You want to be there. But sometimes, you just need a little time "off." And that is OK. Do you hear me? It is OK. Take some time...even 5 minutes...it will make you, a better caregiver. I promise! ❤❤❤

Thank You!!!

I didn't know, what I was going to write about today. Life has seemed, a little too much, as of late. I've been sick, off and on, since last March. More sick, than not. I hear, from lots of people, that it's pretty normal. As in, after you stop being the "caregiver," everything attacks. Because you are so exhausted and run down. I believe the term I keep hearing is, "Caregiver Burnout."

But I've tried to fight it. Time and time, again. I'm not that kind of person, that crawls up, and gives up. I'm more, "let me keep fighting." But sometimes, you get knocked down hard. And just need a break. I found myself, in the ER, last Saturday. For the first time, in forever! My body, screaming in pain. My heart literally, felt like someone was stabbing it. And I kept praying. Talking to my Dad, in my head. Just hoping, everything was OK.

I'm still not 100%. And I feel like I need to go see a specialist, or something. Because something is not right. I'm having more side effects, from the shots I was given. And I'm ready to feel human again. To be the person, that is doing for others. Not just "trying to make it, to the end of the day." But I want to share that with you. That not every single day, is a good day.

I think we want people to see that. That we are doing good. That life it OK. And we're moving forward. But sometimes, it's not. And we're not moving forward. And sometimes, we just need some help. Yes, I just said that. Sometimes, I NEED SOME HELP.

It's been a challenging year. I still can't wrap my brain around, the fact that it's been a year. So many things have happened in that year. So much time has passed. But it still doesn't FEEL like a year. A year without my Dad. A year without carrying all of the weight, stress, and responsibilities...that came with taking care of him. A year, without my best buddy. His love. And his companionship.

It's when I read posts like this, that take me back. When reality slaps me, in the face. When I realize, we've made it this far. We will MAKE IT! Because we have God on our side. Rory is such an inspiration, to me. On how to live life. To have the grace, that is necessary, to move forward. And how to have love in my heart, when I feel nothing inside.

After I read this post, it really got me thinking. About how grateful, and thankful, I am. To so many people. You see, I usually start writing my blog posts, the afternoon before I post them. And finish them up, in the morning. Early. When I have a clear mind. And can read, through what I've written. It gives me, a sense of calm and relief, to read through my blog post...early in the morning. Without any distractions. Just me and my words.

Then I go through my e-mails. And that usually leaves me, about an hour. To cry it out. I read every single e-mail. And they make my heart swell! With the love and prayers, that I've received. From all the corners of the internet. To hear YOUR stories. To know, that in some small way, I've made a difference, in YOUR LIVES!

It really does, make my day. I feel, like I can continue, this journey. That no matter what I'm going through, life is still moving forward. And I can somehow, inspire the next person. I can make a difference, in someone else's life. That my words, somehow make someone else's journey, just a little easier. It has touched me, in ways, that I truly, can't bring into words.

You never really understand, how during your lifetime, you spread tiny parts of your heart...all around. How you give people, little pieces of your heart. And then one day, you look up, and you see them. All those pieces. It's almost magical. When you get that "aha moment." When your eyes are opened up, for the very first time. And how you gave just a little, and got so much more, back in return.

I think about that now. Maybe it's being on "this side" of the journey. Maybe it's the growing I've done, in the last year. Maybe it's the struggles, I've walked through. But I see it now. How I've given pieces of myself, to so many. And in return, when I've needed it the very most, I've gotten them back 100 times over!

And I'm so grateful, to all the people that have touched my life. Especially, in the last year. When I've struggled the most. And NEEDED you the most. You have been here for me. The perfect strangers...you have prayed, loved, and thought about me. And my family. The people that drop off, little things. Like a meal, a card, a little something that was my Daddy's.

The people that have embraced us. That were perfect strangers. But who have seen my Mom and I, crying for my Daddy. The caring friends, we've met at the cemetery. The AMAZING people at church. The kind souls, that have paid for a meal, when we have gone out. Our family, that has completely embraced us. Friends who have never left our side.

Those people, that understand, when the world is too heavy. For us to bear. And realize, when we just shut ourselves in. I thank you! From the bottom of my heart. Because sometimes, you just don't know, how to ask for help. But you've had the patience. And have stood by our sides. Sometimes, having to carry us, along this journey.

And I realize, people just want to help. In any way, that they can. They want to help. Because at some point, we've been there for them. They respect us. They love us. And want in some way, to make our lives better. People want to feel your hurt and pain, and they want to share it. To make it less of a burden, for you. They want to take some of that hurt and pain, away from you. To help you, make these tough days, more bearable.

It's in these dark days, that I see the good in humanity. Maybe we've lost our Superman. And part of our family. But the kindness and good, that we've gotten from so many others...has carried us so far! It has given my Mom and I, the strength, when we've needed it most. When we've needed a shoulder to cry on, perfect strangers have been there for us.

I've got to say this. From the AMAZING contractors, and honestly friends, that helped us make it...to the end of last school year. THANK YOU!!! You will never understand, how much, that meant to my Mom and I. To the love and respect, that our business associates showed us, I can't say Thank You enough! You made those dark days, days that we could get through. With our heads held high.

To our friends, Thank You for the grace and love, you have shown us. For lifting us up, on the toughest of days. For being our strength. And our salvation. For the understanding you have given us, when we can't seem to leave our home. Or meet you, for breakfast. Or answer a phone call.

To our family, the ones who have stood by our sides, THANK YOU!!! In ways, that I'll never understand, we've been shown...who really loves and cares about us. I don't mean this, in a mean or hateful way. But in way, that comes from my heart. With love, kindness, and respect. My eyes have been opened up, to know what "real family" is. The people that will come, and pick you up off the ground, and love you just the same. The people, that silently pray for you, every single day. And who understand, that your world has just been shattered. And you're just looking for any way, to move forward. The family, that loves you, just because you are...you. You don't feel like, you have to put on an act. You can just be you. And they love you, for it all! The good, and the bad.

I think about all the blessings, that my Mom and I have received. It's the little things, that get us through the day. And turn our days, into weeks...then into months. And without us realizing it, we made it to a year. It's the little things. The kindness, from our Church Family. Who always, stop and give us a hug, or handshake. Wish us, a good week. Sing to us. Make us smile, when our hearts are hurting, the most. It's the kind people, we both work for. That have made this transition, a little easier. With their kindness, and love. The respect, that they continue to show us both. And the friendship, that will last a lifetime!

It's the dozens of people, who have reached out to us. That have made our world, a little easier, to live in. The kindness, in your words. And in your eyes. The people, that continue to welcome us. Who reach out, with pictures of my Dad. Or stories, that I've never heard. It's the neighbors, who continue to reach out to us. To make sure, we're OK. That our needs are being met. And that we are safe.

Our AMAZING medical team. I just can't say, enough Thank Yous! Truly I can't. For the love, respect, and kindness you have shown us. And continue to show us. How you continue to reach out, to my Mom and I. How you are our biggest cheerleaders! And realize, that my Dad's death, didn't mean that our journey ended. Thank You!!!

Truly, I'm touched, when people at the grocery store, gas station, or a restaurant...reach out to us. To all the AMAZING people, who have been behind the Love For Blue project, from the very beginning! All the amazing people, that continue to help us, grow our foundation. Those people, who have donated to us, made purchases, or have visited us at our various functions...THANK YOU!!!

From the bottom of my heart, I mean it! Thank You!!! For all the kind thoughts, e-mails, prayers...it has made this very tough journey, bearable. At times, you think you are never going to make it. Then someone reaches out. Through an e-mail, a meal, or other kind gesture...and you realize, life isn't so bad.

I know, we are blessed. But God has opened my eyes, my heart, and my soul...to so many kind people. In the darkest of days, we have so many loving people...that hold us up. I could spend my lifetime, trying to thank all of you. Trying to repay you in some way. Trying to even out, the table. But I could never do it. Because the love has poured in. In ways, I could never have imagined.

And I want you all to know, that is what our foundation, and this blog are about. Reaching the next person. Making life, a little easier, for someone else. My family has been so blessed! And we want to pass that forward. In some small way, we want you to know, you matter too. And we're thinking about you. Thank You!!! And for that person, that just isn't sure, I'm thinking about you too. I'm trying to hold you up. You matter. Your journey matters. And there are people, on your side too! ❤❤❤