Sunday, April 17, 2016

It Will Not Last Forever

I chat with a few people online. People who are traveling a similar journey, to the one that I've been on. People who are in the beginning, or middle, of this journey. And I can understand that overwhelming feeling, that they all have. That at any second, they will BREAK!


When you are in the beginning, you are sure, you can beat it. If you are the caregiver, you are certain that there will be a cure. You are the shining light, of the entire operation. You sing like a bluebird, just to let your loved one, it's going to be OK.

By the time you get to that middle stage, you are just hanging on. Many times, you just want to curl up in bed, and cry. You see, how fast your loved one, is fading away. But you are still trying to cheer them on. No matter how difficult it is. No matter how many tears, you shed. Or how many times, they take all their anger, out on you. You are still trying to hang onto...some hope.


I think a lot about this now. What a way, to start an "Inspirational Sunday" post. But it's the truth. Somewhere along the way, we all start to lose ourselves. We start to lose hope. And purpose. We are still our loved ones biggest cheerleaders. And advocates. Heck, don't mess with our sick loved one. We make Momma Lions, look like cute kittens.

But we lose ourselves. In the process. And we're sure, we are never going to be the same again. Truth is, we aren't. We will never be the same...as the pre-cancer, carefree people, we once were. No matter what happens, our lives have changed. Forever! And there is, no going back.

I say this, sitting on this side of the journey. Still healing. But totally raw. The cancer didn't just happen to my Dad. It happened to me. To my Mom. To our friends. And to our families. There will forever, be pieces that are missing. People that couldn't take it. And people, that have left our lives.

But beyond those outward parts, that are affected...we are forever changed. Forever! Nearly 13 months, after my Daddy's passing, I'm starting to gain back...some of my pre-cancer self. The sleep, is coming a little easier. I'm taking time, to exercise. And eat better. I find myself, caring a little more about what I wear. If my hair is combed. And every once in a while, I reach for my makeup.

Those are things, I didn't care about before. Like reading, watching a movie, or just sitting with my thoughts. Before, I couldn't even hear myself think. Or pray. Or just be. My entire mind, body, and soul...were on overdrive. Not just trying to help my Dad. But trying to survive. I completely lost touch, with all those things, that had once made me happy.

No matter what your outcome is...if your loved one survives...or goes with the Lord. You will be changed. Make it a positive change. I look back on my friends, who experienced this with their infant daughter. Their journey has been much longer. Nearly 10 years. And once a year, I still see the panic in their eyes. As their little girl, goes for her checkup. The cancer changes everyone.


What I'm here to tell you is, you will survive. As a caregiver. As a family member. As a friend. You will survive. It's a difficult journey. You will change. The world, will look different to you. You will learn what is truly important. You will stop tolerating all the crap in your life. You will change. Make it for the better.

If you would have asked me, 15 months ago...how I was. I would have told you "Fine." The reality is, I wasn't. I was trying not to drown. In the world around me, I was just trying to survive. Just trying to make sure, my Dad was OK. Not in pain. His needs being met. His healthcare in line. That he was doing good. I was drowning...

It's something, I would not have shared with anyone. It's something, I buried deep in my soul. It's something I'd cry about, at the bottom of the shower. I was not OK. I didn't know, how I'd survive another day.

13 months ago, I was a mess. Trying to keep everyone up. Talking to people. Being their cheerleaders. and support system. Making sure, they were OK. Meanwhile, my 32 year old self, couldn't comprehend what life would throw at me next. How would we survive this? What else could possibly happen?


The truth is, time is what I needed. As cliché as that sounds. I needed time. Time needed me. I needed to see what people around me, were really about. Were they there, for the right reasons? Were they people, I could count on? Were they weighing me down...or holding me up?

For a very long time, I've shouldered so much of this. So much pain, heartache, and suffering had happened in my lifetime. So very much! And along the way, it was the same people. Every single time, it was the same people.

When I finally made those choices, to walk away, it was freeing. It is, what I needed in my life. To walk away. To not feel that burden. That load. To feel like, I had to put on a "face," just to deal. Because that is what life had been...

These days, are still a challenge. But I find myself, dealing better. Dealing with emotions. Dealing with my grief. Dealing with...well everything. But it doesn't feel half as overwhelming, as it once did. The middle part of our journey, was the toughest part! By far, the toughest...and loneliest part.

I'm here to tell you, it won't last forever. It really won't. Take some time, for yourself. And for your loved one. Make the memories. Crawl into their hospital bed, with them. Hold them, when they are scared. Talk to them. Share stories. Make memories.


Life is too short. This journey, is too short. I know it doesn't feel like it now. But it is. I promise you. It feels like, it was a million years ago...for me. Not just 13 months ago. What I wouldn't give, for one more of those days. As completely overwhelming as they felt. As hopeless, as some days were. I'd give anything, for one more day with my Daddy. Just to hear his words, see his smile, and hold his hand.

It will not last forever. Cherish it, while you can. One day, you will wake up, and miss those days... ❤❤❤

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