It Will Not Last Forever

I chat with a few people online. People who are traveling a similar journey, to the one that I've been on. People who are in the beginning, or middle, of this journey. And I can understand that overwhelming feeling, that they all have. That at any second, they will BREAK!

When you are in the beginning, you are sure, you can beat it. If you are the caregiver, you are certain that there will be a cure. You are the shining light, of the entire operation. You sing like a bluebird, just to let your loved one, it's going to be OK.

By the time you get to that middle stage, you are just hanging on. Many times, you just want to curl up in bed, and cry. You see, how fast your loved one, is fading away. But you are still trying to cheer them on. No matter how difficult it is. No matter how many tears, you shed. Or how many times, they take all their anger, out on you. You are still trying to hang onto...some hope.

I think a lot about this now. What a way, to start an "Inspirational Sunday" post. But it's the truth. Somewhere along the way, we all start to lose ourselves. We start to lose hope. And purpose. We are still our loved ones biggest cheerleaders. And advocates. Heck, don't mess with our sick loved one. We make Momma Lions, look like cute kittens.

But we lose ourselves. In the process. And we're sure, we are never going to be the same again. Truth is, we aren't. We will never be the same...as the pre-cancer, carefree people, we once were. No matter what happens, our lives have changed. Forever! And there is, no going back.

I say this, sitting on this side of the journey. Still healing. But totally raw. The cancer didn't just happen to my Dad. It happened to me. To my Mom. To our friends. And to our families. There will forever, be pieces that are missing. People that couldn't take it. And people, that have left our lives.

But beyond those outward parts, that are affected...we are forever changed. Forever! Nearly 13 months, after my Daddy's passing, I'm starting to gain back...some of my pre-cancer self. The sleep, is coming a little easier. I'm taking time, to exercise. And eat better. I find myself, caring a little more about what I wear. If my hair is combed. And every once in a while, I reach for my makeup.

Those are things, I didn't care about before. Like reading, watching a movie, or just sitting with my thoughts. Before, I couldn't even hear myself think. Or pray. Or just be. My entire mind, body, and soul...were on overdrive. Not just trying to help my Dad. But trying to survive. I completely lost touch, with all those things, that had once made me happy.

No matter what your outcome is...if your loved one survives...or goes with the Lord. You will be changed. Make it a positive change. I look back on my friends, who experienced this with their infant daughter. Their journey has been much longer. Nearly 10 years. And once a year, I still see the panic in their eyes. As their little girl, goes for her checkup. The cancer changes everyone.

What I'm here to tell you is, you will survive. As a caregiver. As a family member. As a friend. You will survive. It's a difficult journey. You will change. The world, will look different to you. You will learn what is truly important. You will stop tolerating all the crap in your life. You will change. Make it for the better.

If you would have asked me, 15 months ago...how I was. I would have told you "Fine." The reality is, I wasn't. I was trying not to drown. In the world around me, I was just trying to survive. Just trying to make sure, my Dad was OK. Not in pain. His needs being met. His healthcare in line. That he was doing good. I was drowning...

It's something, I would not have shared with anyone. It's something, I buried deep in my soul. It's something I'd cry about, at the bottom of the shower. I was not OK. I didn't know, how I'd survive another day.

13 months ago, I was a mess. Trying to keep everyone up. Talking to people. Being their cheerleaders. and support system. Making sure, they were OK. Meanwhile, my 32 year old self, couldn't comprehend what life would throw at me next. How would we survive this? What else could possibly happen?

The truth is, time is what I needed. As cliché as that sounds. I needed time. Time needed me. I needed to see what people around me, were really about. Were they there, for the right reasons? Were they people, I could count on? Were they weighing me down...or holding me up?

For a very long time, I've shouldered so much of this. So much pain, heartache, and suffering had happened in my lifetime. So very much! And along the way, it was the same people. Every single time, it was the same people.

When I finally made those choices, to walk away, it was freeing. It is, what I needed in my life. To walk away. To not feel that burden. That load. To feel like, I had to put on a "face," just to deal. Because that is what life had been...

These days, are still a challenge. But I find myself, dealing better. Dealing with emotions. Dealing with my grief. Dealing with...well everything. But it doesn't feel half as overwhelming, as it once did. The middle part of our journey, was the toughest part! By far, the toughest...and loneliest part.

I'm here to tell you, it won't last forever. It really won't. Take some time, for yourself. And for your loved one. Make the memories. Crawl into their hospital bed, with them. Hold them, when they are scared. Talk to them. Share stories. Make memories.

Life is too short. This journey, is too short. I know it doesn't feel like it now. But it is. I promise you. It feels like, it was a million years ago...for me. Not just 13 months ago. What I wouldn't give, for one more of those days. As completely overwhelming as they felt. As hopeless, as some days were. I'd give anything, for one more day with my Daddy. Just to hear his words, see his smile, and hold his hand.

It will not last forever. Cherish it, while you can. One day, you will wake up, and miss those days... ❤❤❤

Celebrate

Happy Easter everyone! I know, it can be tough, to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Believe me. Whether you are grieving, or still walking that tough journey. Especially, if you are in the hospital. We had to, many times. And honestly, it's better to celebrate, than to pretend, it's not happening.

I say this, from experience. The first time my Dad was hospitalized, in December 2010, we tried to pretend...it wasn't Christmas. My Dad was hospitalized 2 days, before Christmas. We asked people, to not tell him, about the holiday. It would only upset him. Unfortunately, on Christmas morning, our doctor came into the room. All happy. And singing Christmas carols.

We even got a Christmas tree. From the hospital. Yes, my Dad was upset. Angry really, that he was in the hospital for Christmas. And then New Year's. But it was more, he was upset for my Mom and I. Because he wanted us to have a good holiday.

We honestly didn't care. As long, as my Dad was OK. And it was easier, once he knew, to explain the HUGE platters of food and cookies...that our friends and family were bringing us. So celebrate. Don't feel bad about it. Celebrate the best way you can. And never apologize for it!



I also say this, because you want to make memories. Good memories. With your loved ones. You're not sure, how many of these special days, you are going to get. So make the most of them. Enjoy your special days!

When my Dad was hospitalized again, right before Christmas 2014, I packed up some Christmas decorations. And a little string of lights. We decorated my Dad's hospital room. And when he was moved to the oncology unit, we took our decorations.

Our family happened to ring in 2015, in the hospital. And I again, went all out. Our nurses, also helped me. But I went and bought silly hats, glasses, and decorations. We watched movies. And had snacks. It was about making memories.

And I'll never regret that. It was the ONLY time, my parents and I, had stayed up together. For a New Year. And we thoroughly, enjoyed ourselves. We made lots of memories. Took lots of pictures. And really, had the best time!

We also celebrated my Dad's birthday, in the hospital. And I really do mean, CELEBRATED! On his birthday, I decorated our hospital room. The staff sang to him. A group of nurses, then a group from the oncology unit, and finally the kitchen staff. They made him a fun cake, and milkshake.

And days later, we had a "Surprise Birthday" party, in the waiting room. Something, I'll never regret! EVER! Because we celebrated my Dad. And his birthday. It was his last on earth. And had we not done it at the hospital, we would have never done it again. We would have missed out on his smile. And all those memories!

Happy Easter! I hope, in some small way, you are able to celebrate. Pick up a pack of Peeps, and take them to your loved one. If you are in the hospital, pick up a piece of pie. And share it. If you are on the "other side," like us...consider dropping off a plate of goodies. Just go to your local hospital. If you have "traveled the road," you know all about that waiting room...or family room. Leave a little plate of goodies. Something you might have enjoyed, when you were there. We took some cupcakes, candy, and cookies.

But don't forget to celebrate! And I don't just mean today. Celebrate the birthdays, the anniversaries, and the holidays. Don't let the cancer, steal that from you. It takes enough. Celebrate. And make memories. You will cherish them, for years to come! ❤❤❤

Moving Forward

There are a lot of days, when even I, just want to say, "I'm done. I'm tired. I just don't want to go anymore."

Then I realize, life doesn't just end. We're all walking a tough road. Sometimes, it feels heavier, than it is. But we all have those struggles. We just need to remember, not to give up.

In the last 11 months, there have been many difficult days. But they didn't start on March 20, 2015. No. In fact, the difficult days, started years before. When we had no answers. When my Dad, was just mysteriously sick. Unable to walk. Sleeping. Sometimes, unable to communicate with us. We didn't have answers. Life just seemed a mystery.

Those were the tough days. When life was up in the air. When I'd worry, the absolute most. Because how can you devise a plan, when you don't know what you are up against?

And through it all, I had my Dad, motivating me. Telling me, we have to fight it. We have to move forward. We need to remember that.

I think about that a lot, these days. Either I become stronger, move forward, and continue his work...or I become a miserable person. I tell you this, because in the middle of his cancer battle...I needed to remind myself daily. Sometimes, hourly. Move forward. Get stronger. Keep fighting.

 

And that my friends, is what brings me here. I couldn't ever start to process my grief, if I didn't deal with it. It's not easy. I find myself crying, a lot. Sometimes without realizing it. Something triggers me. Just the other day, I sat in the library, watching this elderly lady. From afar, she reminded me of my Dad. The childlike man, he became, near the end. And I sat there crying, for well over an hour.

Until she left the library. And another kind lady, came to sit with me. To ask if I was OK. Because that's what happens. It hits, from out of nowhere. But you must deal with it. You have to stare it down. And say, "I'm never going to forget my loved one. But I need to become a stronger person. If not for them. For me. I need to be able, to function every single day."

I say this. And I've been where you are. I've been that person, that received that news. That felt like they had been punched in the gut. I still remember when my Dad was first diagnosed. And trying to stay strong. For everyone. And silently, falling apart. Feeling like, life was never going to be the same again.

And in reality, it wasn't. But if I would have stayed in that place, I would have never have been able, to be there for my Dad. I wouldn't have been able to take care of him. To meet his needs. To allow our relationship to grow. To love him. And to make memories.

 

I know, this entire battle can be tough. It is very tough. And scary. Sometimes, overwhelming. If you are the person battling cancer, remember you are tough. You can do this. You've got to "keep your head in the game." But you can do it. If you are the caregiver, you are strong. Much stronger, than you can imagine. Honestly, one day you will look back, and wonder where your strength came from. And how it got you, through all of your journey.

 

I still look back, and think, "How did I make it? How am I still functioning? Where did this strength come from?" Honestly, I don't think I'll ever completely understand that. But it's part of life. And your team, they will provide, so much strength. Honestly, I can't even begin to tell you. Our nurses, doctors, and other team members...were constant "Fountains of Strength," for me.

 

And if you are family and friends, don't doubt yourselves. Love hard. As hard as you can. If you have an idea to call, visit, take someone some food...do it. Do it all! Make those memories. Don't be afraid. You'll always appreciate the memories, later down the road.

 



When I first came across this quote, I immediately thought of my Dad. I printed it out. And I gave it to him. It's still in his wallet. He had been sick. And no one knew, what was wrong. It had been months. Many doctors, trips to the hospital, and countless tests.

The sicker he got, the more trips to the hospital, the more fear I had...the more I thought of these words. I'd end up printing this. And framing it. It traveled with us, many times, to and from the hospital.

And I look at it, for strength. Thinking to myself, if he can do it, so can I. There were times, when my Dad couldn't eat. Or walk. Sometimes talk. But he ALWAYS fought back. It showed me, to never give up. No matter the battle, we always have a way to fight back. ALWAYS!!!

I think of this a lot. Maybe it was the first time we went to our Support Group. Or when we first met, the team, that would carry us on our journey. Maybe it was the first time, we knew it was Stage 4 Colon Cancer. But life, had forever changed. I knew that, deep in my soul. And I had to embrace, the next chapter.

Life would forever change. The somewhat "simple" life we had. And we needed to appreciate it. We needed to acknowledge, that our new journey, was laid out for us. We had time with my Dad. And we needed to take advantage of it. All of it. The good, and the bad.

More than that, we needed to prepare, for what was up ahead. The struggle, of this journey. The heartbreak, that would lay ahead. And how we'd pick up the pieces, and continue to move forward. We had to remember all of this, while fighting the fight.

There is always life, after cancer. Sometimes, we are lucky. And our loved one, or us, beat the beast. Sometimes, we are facing life, without them. But our life will be, forever changed. Cancer has a way of doing that. We will all come out of this journey, changed. Stronger for sure. And maybe, with more questions, than answers. But for all of us, touched by cancer, we must remember...to keep moving forward. ❤❤❤