A Friend Like Her

I'm one of the those people. That lost touch, with everyone I went to high school with. What you don't always understand, at the time, is that those people...they've gone through some big changes with you. You have history. And in some ways, they will always be in your life. You will always, carry a piece of them. After all, for a very vital part of your life, you were friends.

A couple of years ago, I reached out to a few of those people. Via Facebook. I was curious, about them. And their lives. Girls I had cheered with. Friends I'd studied with. People, that I spent so much time with. It wasn't like we were chatting every single day. Or even calling each other on the phone. We were Facebook friends. A far cry, from spending hours and hours together...like we had done 10 years before. We'd read each others' posts. But it wasn't like we were planning vacations together.

When my Dad past away, a friend reached out to me. Unlike most, she called. And we talked. It truly, meant the world to me. As my world was crumbling around me, she was there to talk to. To make me laugh, at the memories we shared. Amber and her parents, would send the most beautiful flowers. In a gorgeous vase. That my Mom and I, still use pretty often.

Amber has become one of those people, that have helped us, in our fundraising efforts. She works for a company, that prints things like T-shirts, bags, and other stuff like that. If you are involved in sports, you know what I mean. They are the people, that become your best friends.

Although I have a cousin, that does similar things, my friend has opened up her arms. And her heart, to us, and our foundation. You see, a year ago, I was trying to track my cousin down. To print us, some T-shirts. Maybe a banner or two. And my friend, offered to help me.

In a very short amount of time, I had a big box delivered to our home. Filled with T-shirts, for our fundraiser. Exactly how my Mom wanted them. And this year, when I dropped the ball in February, Amber rescued me. Yet again. Sending our order to be printed, just this past week.

Amber is so amazing to work with. And she really is an amazing friend. That I hope to have for life. Even if I don't answer calls, get on Facebook just a few times a month, or go MIA...my girl has my back! I'm pretty darn lucky.

My friend, is still the genuine girl, I went to school with. The one that made me laugh, when I needed to laugh. The person, that walked many of the same paths, as I. It saddens my heart, that we lost so many years, of friendship. But it always makes me smile, when I check her Facebook page. To see her three kiddos. All happy, just like their momma.

I can't wait, to see what our T-shirts look like this year. Or the other goodies, that we're cooking up. Things that we can sell all year long. Because, I'm pretty sure...I hear the Growers' Market calling my name! And maybe a couple of T-shirts, bracelets, and bags...might make their way to our tables.

When you do fundraisers like ours, it's a lot of grassroots, kind of work. And it isn't possible, without people like Amber. That have your back. Help you, to get the best possible products. So that you can turn around, and raise some funds. I'm lucky to have a cousin, that does this kind of work. I know I can call him, at any time.

But it's also nice, to have a friend that does it too. That loves my Dad, the way she does. We have a lot of history together. Amber and I. Years or cheerleading. And school. And just being friends. If you ever need anything printed up, I'd say call Amber! She is amazing to work with! ❤❤❤

Thank You!!!

I didn't know, what I was going to write about today. Life has seemed, a little too much, as of late. I've been sick, off and on, since last March. More sick, than not. I hear, from lots of people, that it's pretty normal. As in, after you stop being the "caregiver," everything attacks. Because you are so exhausted and run down. I believe the term I keep hearing is, "Caregiver Burnout."

But I've tried to fight it. Time and time, again. I'm not that kind of person, that crawls up, and gives up. I'm more, "let me keep fighting." But sometimes, you get knocked down hard. And just need a break. I found myself, in the ER, last Saturday. For the first time, in forever! My body, screaming in pain. My heart literally, felt like someone was stabbing it. And I kept praying. Talking to my Dad, in my head. Just hoping, everything was OK.

I'm still not 100%. And I feel like I need to go see a specialist, or something. Because something is not right. I'm having more side effects, from the shots I was given. And I'm ready to feel human again. To be the person, that is doing for others. Not just "trying to make it, to the end of the day." But I want to share that with you. That not every single day, is a good day.

I think we want people to see that. That we are doing good. That life it OK. And we're moving forward. But sometimes, it's not. And we're not moving forward. And sometimes, we just need some help. Yes, I just said that. Sometimes, I NEED SOME HELP.

It's been a challenging year. I still can't wrap my brain around, the fact that it's been a year. So many things have happened in that year. So much time has passed. But it still doesn't FEEL like a year. A year without my Dad. A year without carrying all of the weight, stress, and responsibilities...that came with taking care of him. A year, without my best buddy. His love. And his companionship.

It's when I read posts like this, that take me back. When reality slaps me, in the face. When I realize, we've made it this far. We will MAKE IT! Because we have God on our side. Rory is such an inspiration, to me. On how to live life. To have the grace, that is necessary, to move forward. And how to have love in my heart, when I feel nothing inside.

After I read this post, it really got me thinking. About how grateful, and thankful, I am. To so many people. You see, I usually start writing my blog posts, the afternoon before I post them. And finish them up, in the morning. Early. When I have a clear mind. And can read, through what I've written. It gives me, a sense of calm and relief, to read through my blog post...early in the morning. Without any distractions. Just me and my words.

Then I go through my e-mails. And that usually leaves me, about an hour. To cry it out. I read every single e-mail. And they make my heart swell! With the love and prayers, that I've received. From all the corners of the internet. To hear YOUR stories. To know, that in some small way, I've made a difference, in YOUR LIVES!

It really does, make my day. I feel, like I can continue, this journey. That no matter what I'm going through, life is still moving forward. And I can somehow, inspire the next person. I can make a difference, in someone else's life. That my words, somehow make someone else's journey, just a little easier. It has touched me, in ways, that I truly, can't bring into words.

You never really understand, how during your lifetime, you spread tiny parts of your heart...all around. How you give people, little pieces of your heart. And then one day, you look up, and you see them. All those pieces. It's almost magical. When you get that "aha moment." When your eyes are opened up, for the very first time. And how you gave just a little, and got so much more, back in return.

I think about that now. Maybe it's being on "this side" of the journey. Maybe it's the growing I've done, in the last year. Maybe it's the struggles, I've walked through. But I see it now. How I've given pieces of myself, to so many. And in return, when I've needed it the very most, I've gotten them back 100 times over!

And I'm so grateful, to all the people that have touched my life. Especially, in the last year. When I've struggled the most. And NEEDED you the most. You have been here for me. The perfect strangers...you have prayed, loved, and thought about me. And my family. The people that drop off, little things. Like a meal, a card, a little something that was my Daddy's.

The people that have embraced us. That were perfect strangers. But who have seen my Mom and I, crying for my Daddy. The caring friends, we've met at the cemetery. The AMAZING people at church. The kind souls, that have paid for a meal, when we have gone out. Our family, that has completely embraced us. Friends who have never left our side.

Those people, that understand, when the world is too heavy. For us to bear. And realize, when we just shut ourselves in. I thank you! From the bottom of my heart. Because sometimes, you just don't know, how to ask for help. But you've had the patience. And have stood by our sides. Sometimes, having to carry us, along this journey.

And I realize, people just want to help. In any way, that they can. They want to help. Because at some point, we've been there for them. They respect us. They love us. And want in some way, to make our lives better. People want to feel your hurt and pain, and they want to share it. To make it less of a burden, for you. They want to take some of that hurt and pain, away from you. To help you, make these tough days, more bearable.

It's in these dark days, that I see the good in humanity. Maybe we've lost our Superman. And part of our family. But the kindness and good, that we've gotten from so many others...has carried us so far! It has given my Mom and I, the strength, when we've needed it most. When we've needed a shoulder to cry on, perfect strangers have been there for us.

I've got to say this. From the AMAZING contractors, and honestly friends, that helped us make it...to the end of last school year. THANK YOU!!! You will never understand, how much, that meant to my Mom and I. To the love and respect, that our business associates showed us, I can't say Thank You enough! You made those dark days, days that we could get through. With our heads held high.

To our friends, Thank You for the grace and love, you have shown us. For lifting us up, on the toughest of days. For being our strength. And our salvation. For the understanding you have given us, when we can't seem to leave our home. Or meet you, for breakfast. Or answer a phone call.

To our family, the ones who have stood by our sides, THANK YOU!!! In ways, that I'll never understand, we've been shown...who really loves and cares about us. I don't mean this, in a mean or hateful way. But in way, that comes from my heart. With love, kindness, and respect. My eyes have been opened up, to know what "real family" is. The people that will come, and pick you up off the ground, and love you just the same. The people, that silently pray for you, every single day. And who understand, that your world has just been shattered. And you're just looking for any way, to move forward. The family, that loves you, just because you are...you. You don't feel like, you have to put on an act. You can just be you. And they love you, for it all! The good, and the bad.

I think about all the blessings, that my Mom and I have received. It's the little things, that get us through the day. And turn our days, into weeks...then into months. And without us realizing it, we made it to a year. It's the little things. The kindness, from our Church Family. Who always, stop and give us a hug, or handshake. Wish us, a good week. Sing to us. Make us smile, when our hearts are hurting, the most. It's the kind people, we both work for. That have made this transition, a little easier. With their kindness, and love. The respect, that they continue to show us both. And the friendship, that will last a lifetime!

It's the dozens of people, who have reached out to us. That have made our world, a little easier, to live in. The kindness, in your words. And in your eyes. The people, that continue to welcome us. Who reach out, with pictures of my Dad. Or stories, that I've never heard. It's the neighbors, who continue to reach out to us. To make sure, we're OK. That our needs are being met. And that we are safe.

Our AMAZING medical team. I just can't say, enough Thank Yous! Truly I can't. For the love, respect, and kindness you have shown us. And continue to show us. How you continue to reach out, to my Mom and I. How you are our biggest cheerleaders! And realize, that my Dad's death, didn't mean that our journey ended. Thank You!!!

Truly, I'm touched, when people at the grocery store, gas station, or a restaurant...reach out to us. To all the AMAZING people, who have been behind the Love For Blue project, from the very beginning! All the amazing people, that continue to help us, grow our foundation. Those people, who have donated to us, made purchases, or have visited us at our various functions...THANK YOU!!!

From the bottom of my heart, I mean it! Thank You!!! For all the kind thoughts, e-mails, prayers...it has made this very tough journey, bearable. At times, you think you are never going to make it. Then someone reaches out. Through an e-mail, a meal, or other kind gesture...and you realize, life isn't so bad.

I know, we are blessed. But God has opened my eyes, my heart, and my soul...to so many kind people. In the darkest of days, we have so many loving people...that hold us up. I could spend my lifetime, trying to thank all of you. Trying to repay you in some way. Trying to even out, the table. But I could never do it. Because the love has poured in. In ways, I could never have imagined.

And I want you all to know, that is what our foundation, and this blog are about. Reaching the next person. Making life, a little easier, for someone else. My family has been so blessed! And we want to pass that forward. In some small way, we want you to know, you matter too. And we're thinking about you. Thank You!!! And for that person, that just isn't sure, I'm thinking about you too. I'm trying to hold you up. You matter. Your journey matters. And there are people, on your side too! ❤❤❤

Just Thankful

Around here, we are country music fans. BIG time! King George, has my Mom's heart. It's what we listen to. All the time. Without a doubt, in my heart. It helps make our little world, go round.

That being said, I was crushed to hear about Joey. And through the radio, I've been keeping up with Joey and Rory's story. Heartbreaking. Cancer has a way of doing that. Breaking people's hearts, dreams, and futures.

But their story, has been such an inspiration. One that has provided hope, on some of our darkest days. To hear, she is doing a little better, would make my broken heart, feel a little better. Truth of the matter is, I was hoping for a better ending to their story, than we had for ours.

When I signed onto Facebook today, I noticed all these posts about Joey and Rory. And my heart sunk. I found a link, and clicked on it. To be directed to Rory's blog. And his latest post. In the middle of the library, I sat and read it. And cried.

I cried for all kinds of reasons. These are good people. They shouldn't have to be going through this. No one should really. But these are good people. With such a beautiful love story. It kills me, to know a 40 year old woman, with so much life, is losing her battle.

As I read through the post, I could feel what Rory was going through. In a lot of ways. Grief has a way of doing that. Making a bond, between people, who have lived similar circumstances. And my heart just broke. Knowing what lies ahead, for this family. The emptiness, in your heart. The feeling of, not knowing what comes next. That feeling of, needing to take care of the person, who is longer with us. On earth.

But more than anything, I hurt for their daughter Indy. Just a little girl. 2 years old. And now, she is facing a life, without her mommy. I think about this, from a child's perspective. Because at the end of the day, I am a child. A daughter. That lost her Daddy. It doesn't matter, that I was nearly 32 years old. That I got nearly 30 more years, with my Daddy, than Indy got with her mommy. We both, have lost a parent to cancer.

I've tried to be brave. For a very long time. When my Dad first got sick. Later after his diagnosis. During the battle. When we lost my Dad. And now, in the aftermath. But honestly, I'm still a daughter. Having lost my Daddy. My best friend. The one person, that loved me, completely unconditionally.

It's a tough road. But I'm grateful. That I got nearly 32 years with my Daddy. I knew him. I got to know him even better, during those last few months. I have so many memories of him. And here is this little girl. Not completely understanding, what is happening. About to lose her mommy. They didn't have enough time together. To make memories. To love on each other. To be completely silly, just because...

That's the heartbreak of cancer. It takes you down roads, that you might not be ready to handle. It creates heartbreak. And loss. But it also makes you stronger. It teaches you, to push forward. And at the end of the day, you learn so much about life. About the little things, that for so long, you looked past. All of a sudden, they become important.

In the days following my Dad's death, I learned a lot. About myself. Others. The world. Things that maybe, I'd been too busy or tired for, in the past. All of a sudden, they meant something. I valued the birds chirping, the sun shining, and the gentle breeze.

I do hope, that in the future, Indy will experience these things. That she will have memories of her momma, to look back on. I hope she knows, she is not alone. That there are many people, walking a similar path. Feeling her heartbreak, and heartache. That get on their knees, and pray for her. The same way, they pray for their loved ones. And themselves.

When I say "Just Thankful." There is a lot, behind that. I'm thankful for the time with my Daddy. For the journey we walked together. Because he had cancer, we didn't let that dictate life. We made the best of it. But the journey, it did something for both of us. Made us more aware. More able to live. More willing to love.

I'm thankful, to have a voice. Here. To share our story. To hopefully inspire someone, out there. That they can do it. And to be able to continue with the work, my Dad was so passionate about. I'm thankful he taught me about "paying it forward," living life, and loving with every single part of your being.

32 years, doesn't seem like enough time. It never will be. But I've had more time with my Daddy, than some kids will have with theirs. I'm aware of that. And I also have a family, that has become my "soft place to land." They've been a great support, when I didn't think I had one.

I also have some of the very best friends, that any one person, could ask for. People that truly love and care about me. And my Mom. Friends, who took time out of their day, to send my Dad flowers, cards, stuffed animals, food, and other treats...when he was battling cancer. Friends, that would never let me fall. But who have allowed me the space, to grieve.

I'm thankful, for our dear Lord. Who regardless of my faults, loves me. Without any strings attached. He is my light. My salvation. My love. And I know, that my Lord, has been at my side. This entire journey. And when I just couldn't go any further, he is the one, that has carried me along. He knows my deepest secrets. My entire history. What I think, before I think it. And he loves me, just the same.

I am a very grateful woman. These life experiences have taught me, so much. Most importantly, to live life, to the fullest. To completely, without a doubt, love with everything I have. And to remember the important things. People, not objects. To spend time, with those I love.

There are still days, that I cry. I cry until I can barely breathe. My heart, feels like it will never be whole again. But I have no regrets. I tried my hardest. To keep our family together. To take care of my Daddy. The very best way I could. And to stay positive. Even with death, looming for as long as it did, I was hopeful.

Because that's the thing. When you love so deeply, you always think..."There is a possibility. There can be a cure. There can be a miracle." Your heart is hoping. All while your brain, knows the truth. Your soul, is just trying to get you, through your day. And you never let go of that hope, until the end. I hoped, against all odds, until my Daddy took his last breath.

My Dad spent months...in fact years...fighting to live. For his family. For my Mom. And for me. I know this. He fought, as hard as he could fight. For as long, as he could fight. There were times, when I would think...this could be it. And somehow, he'd pull out of it. A true miracle, of God. In the end, we knew. In our hearts. That the end was nearing.

Like a small child, I'd crawl into bed, with my Daddy. We'd just lay there. Holding each other. Knowing our days, were numbered. Never saying the words. But knowing, just the same. Yearning to spend, as much time together, as possible. Just the two of us. Because that's the bond we had. He was my hero. Always, and forever. And I was his baby girl.

 

For as much as my Daddy believed in me, I believed in him. 100%, 100% of the time! He lived his entire life, to the fullest. He did as much as he could, for as many as he could. He was a rock for his family, a soft spot to land, and a role model...for so many. In life. And now, in death.

And that, is what this journey, has taught me. Cancer is horrible. But it brings with it, so many blessings. That otherwise, you'd be too busy, to notice. For as difficult as this journey has been, I'd never walk away from it. This journey has taught me life lessons. And the important things in life. It has taught me, who I am. Deep in my heart. And my soul. I'm just thankful... ❤❤❤

Love For Blue

Hey guys! If you are here, you are probably friends or family...of my Dad's. Blue. Today is his 82nd Birthday! And we feel so blessed, to share another year with him!

So far, 2015...has been tough. We've definitely spent more time, in the hospital, than at home. But what can you say? We're fighting for the man we love. And nothing will stop us!

But why are you here? A while back, my Dad starting talking. About his good friend, Patrick. And the work that he and his family started. It really has gotten my Dad thinking, after spending a month, during the holidays, in the hospital. And all that we have been blessed with. He wants to start a foundation.

Our idea is, to model it around, "paying it forward." We want to give back to our community. And show the love, that we've been shown. We know that we are very fortunate, to be by my Dad's side. All the time. That he doesn't have to be alone. And as a family, we can fight this together.

But along our journey, we've met many families, that are not as fortunate. Families that struggle, just to visit their loved ones. Families that sleep on the floor, in the hospital waiting rooms. Just so they can visit on the weekend. We've met so many people, traveling a similar journey.

Our hospital staff, has been AMAZING! Thank You Presbyterian! From the oncology unit, to the staff at the chemo office, the staff at the radiation center, the staff at Rehab, and our Homecare Team. They are the best!

But like I said, we know, we are very fortunate. Not many people, have the same resources. We are blessed. And even some of the people that we see at radiation, chemo, or the hospital...they are traveling a much more difficult path.

So with all of that being said, our first goals are...to pay it forward. To help those people, that need assistance. The families traveling hundreds of miles, to get care. Or to visit. The people we see struggling, who need assistance, of some sort.

With all of that being said, we are kicking off our fundraising, with a 5K Fun Run/Walk on April 25, 2015. My Dad was first diagnosed with Colon Cancer on April 28, 2014. My Dad wants the fundraiser, to be a celebration. To say, "Hey, I've got colon cancer. But I'm fighting it. I want to live! And I want to give back. I want to make it easier, for the next family."

So we hope to see you then! Bright and early, at 7AM. Ready to run or walk around Valle del Bosque Park. We will be charging a $25 fee. And you will receive a "Love for Blue" t-shirt. You can sign up, on the morning of the 5K Run. And you can also purchase t-shirts, or make donations here. Thanks everyone! Let's make our 1st Annual Love for Blue Event a special one! ❤❤❤